I was reading a friend’s blog the other day and I felt like I was in a magical world. No, her blog was not about scenic vacation spots or Princess Elsa; her posts were about the joys (and trials) of new motherhood.
To me, it seemed as if her words oozed of love. Not the kind of calm, complacent love that many associate with motherhood. But the kind of love that brings to life the extent to which a mother enjoys her child.
Her toddler is now 13 months while my son, M, is just shy of turning two years. And as I read her posts, I realized why I have always felt that she had a different connection to her son than I do with mine.
She bonds with him. She connects with him. She enjoys him.
Please don’t get me wrong. I love my son too, with all my heart, soul and over-tired muscles and joints but it hasn’t been an easy ride for either of us.
I connect with him too but I have to work hard at this connection every minute of every day, otherwise I lose the signals.
I enjoy him too but in order to enjoy him, I have to preempt tantrum triggers and strategize distractions. And no, it’s not just the onset of the ‘terrible twos’.
It is because I have a high needs child.
The term high needs was coined by the famous paediatrician and Attachment Parenting guru, Dr William Sears. And he came up with the term, not as a result of diagnosing children of other parents or as a consolation term to pacify distraught parents but rather, when he himself became a parent to a high (er) needs baby than his earlier children.
Children with higher needs have some very obvious traits and need to be parented in a certain way. Of course, the poor parents are always blamed for ‘creating’ a fussy/withdrawn/grumpy/temperamental child. But all the parents whom I know with a high needs child have admitted that they had to re-learn parenting to deal with their natures and temperaments. And since I have one of my own, I can relate.
The only thing is that my high needs child is my first and only child at the moment so it has really thrown both, my husband and I off this parenting game from the start!
Struggling with transition
Little M was a fussy baby from day one. He was kept in the nursery for observation for a couple of hours after birth because according to his receiving paediatrician,
“Some babies need time to adjust to the outside world. It’s a shock to their system.”
This statement has been the defining point of his little life. He finds it so hard to transition that it chokes me up sometimes – sometimes in pity and sometimes with unjustified anger because well, there are situations where you just can’t ‘pre-prepare’ them. And pre-prepare is what he needs for everything.
I see little babies and toddlers being taken to malls, fairs, picnics – carried in strollers, slings, swung on their dad’s shoulders. And I see that they are happy. Relaxed. Enjoying the outing.
On the other hand, my little boy can get agitated in crowds, among unfamiliar people or new environments. And this, according to Dr Sears is a trait of the high needs child – struggling with transition.
Giving them a routine, sticking to it as much as possible and trying to ease the transition are all ways he recommends and that have helped me so far.
If he falls asleep on the way home, for example, I find it easier to either drive around aimlessly or park in my parking spot and wait for him to get up. Waking up in the place he fell asleep in is just easier for him to grasp, rather than finding himself in his bed.
Of course, sometimes I just can’t do it and have to reach home for something urgent. On those days I just cross all my fingers and toes and pray. Hard.
Intense emotions
M didn’t really cry, not even when he was a day old. No, sirree. He SCREAMED. After all, piteous whimpers are for the faint-hearted while this little person had to make a point. About everything. First poop. First bath. And almost every diaper change and every bath to date.
Whew. If I had a penny for every scream, I’d be strutting in Prada and driving a Rolls Royce by now!
According to the ‘high needs’ theory, some children just feel too much and this level of sensitivity can make them react strongly too. The way a person looks at them, the sounds in the surroundings, food or material textures, the level of activity – all can be triggers for emotions that can make the most hair-raising roller coaster ride seem mild in comparison.
Depending on the situation, cuddles can help as can removing the trigger, distracting him or simply talking in a calm voice and acknowledging his feelings (even if I can’t offer a solution). Lately, when he would be feeling particularly upset, I would grab him in a bear hug and that would calm him down. But the novelty has worn off so now I’m teaching him to self-hug.
Imagine this scenario. Choo choo train doesn’t work the way he wants it to and a tantrum ensues. My husband and I are trying to have a speedy dinner right across from him. I call out in a cheery voice,
“Give yourself a hug, M!”
I wrap my arms around myself and hubby does the same. The wave of rage breaks, he wraps his arms around himself, laughs and goes back to playing with the train.
Will this always work? Heck, no. he’s a toddler and novelty has a life of 60 minutes at the most. And these days with emotions getting even bigger as his need for independence grows, it’s all a game of chance and mug fulls of patience. And of course, caffeine. Lots of caffeine.
Adaptability and flexibility
It is relatively easy for my friend to take her toddler to a new place and meet new people. Of course, he is also now grasping the cause and effect of throwing a tantrum as he grows older but his tantrums are nothing like M’s. My own nephew was eight-months-old when he travelled halfway across the world for my wedding and he was handed from one person to the next (all strangers, mind you) without so much as a peep. M wouldn’t go to his own paternal grandmother easily until he was a good six or seven months old. And my mil is awesome with kids. But he took his own sweet time to get comfortable with members of the family. At 22 months, strangers are still given the look which says “Stay away or else…”
It isn’t easy for him to adapt to changes in his routine or adjust to a new place and unfamiliar people. He is just not that child. But even at the tender age of almost 2 years, I have noticed that when I prepare him for certain events – talk to him about where we are going, what we’ll see and who we’ll meet – it is much easier on him. And me.
His serious, wary expressions often elicit questions like,
“Has he just woken up?”
“Why is he angry?”
“Why don’t you take him out more so he can get used to people?”
I smile and usually lie through my teeth
“Oh, he just woke up and is still sleepy.”
Because who wants to explain the entire high needs theory to every Tina, Dora and Helen, right?
Constant contact
M was a very gassy baby and very uncomfortable with his gas. The only thing that relieved him was to be in an upright position on my shoulder 24/7. No, I’m serious. He would either be breastfeeding or being burped on my shoulder or being bounced on my shoulder while I walked briskly from one end of my small apartment to the other. And then, people would ask me how I lost all the pregnancy weight so quickly. Bah! I would cook, clean, fold laundry – all with him on my shoulder. He spent a good part of his first year, looking at the world from that vantage point (not much of a view since I’m only 5’2”!)
Babies and toddlers with high needs crave connection with mum. They are so scared of the outside environment that a mum’s embrace is the only thing that calms them down. Of course, that is taxing on the mum, and can lead to aversion and ironically, lack of connection.
High activity and little sleep
Seems counter productive, doesn’t it? After all, if a child is highly active, he/she should need more sleep, right? Not if the child in question is one with higher needs. Higher needs children are active from the word ‘go’ and sleep is something that comes in the way of all that they need to do, learn, explore. Of course, all young babies and toddlers are inquisitive creatures, but high needs children are so responsive to stimuli that they actually feel like they are ‘missing out’ if God Forbid, nap time rolls around.
Hence, M’s 20-minute naps. Ugh.
This child does not sleep in any new place. I see babies and toddlers sleeping on their mum’s shoulders, mouths hanging open and sprawled in uncomfortable positions in strollers while M cannot even nap in his grandmum’s house because it is a new and hence, more stimulating environment. I was living at my mother’s while hubby travelled for work and I would bring M home every day for his bath and morning nap. True story.
And as far as hyperactivity is concerned, I can vouch for the fact that these children are always on the go. Before M could walk and talk, his wrists and legs would always be twirling, especially if confined in a stroller, high chair or someone’s arms. It was like he HAD to take that excessive energy out in any way. And their brains are wired in such a way that if there isn’t enough stimuli and they get bored, they don’t just relax and take a breather. They get whiny, clingy and loud. Stimulus is unfortunately both, the pain and the aspirin.
However, stimulus cannot just be an inanimate object. Toys don’t really cut it for these kids. They need a human being, preferably mommy or daddy, for company. I can just lie there on the rug and act as the terrain for his cars and that’s enough on some days. Needless to say, M was never one of those babies who are happy staring up at soft animals and mirrors while they lie on baby mats. Clearly those parents did something right, huh?
Dealing with a high needs child
They say that new parents can enjoy their baby up to a year but once they are toddlers, it’s a whole new ball game. However, babies with higher needs make their parents put on running shoes, boxing gear and lifejackets from the day they are born. Why? Because these babies will need mama and dada to bounce them around; stay strong and fight back when the world judges their child AND their parenting prowess; and stay afloat amidst all the sleepless nights, wilfulness and overwhelming emotions.
While providing routines, easing transitions, pre-empting triggers and showing lots of affection can and does help in dealing with these children, the one thing that is crucial to survival is acceptance.
Accepting that this is the way he is. The days I have no expectations from him are some of the best days we have.
Accepting that she is not doing this to spite you. When she is in the midst of a tantrum, she’s not ‘being’ a problem. She’s having a problem and needs your help.
Accepting that you didn’t do anything to cause this (this is really, really important because this thought can drive you mad with guilt).
Accepting that there are positives to such wilfulness even though it might not seem so in the heat of the moment. True perseverance, integrity, empathy and affection are some of them if the child is guided to build her strengths.
Accepting that he is not any less than other children.
Accepting that you are the adult in the relationship. This is another difficult one. I, for one, am triggered by screams and can’t take it after a while. But screaming back or yelling back does not help these children, nor does it ‘discipline’ them. If you feel triggered, try and withdraw for a little bit (ensuring the child is safe of course) and take a deep breath. Or two or three. As many as you need to come back with an adult’s hold over the situation.
And most of all, accepting that you can’t do it all. And you can’t do it all the time. Get whatever help you can and if you can’t get help then at least have a friend over or visit a friend once a week at least. And not just any friend; a friend whom you are comfortable with in the pjs you haven’t changed out of since yesterday, a friend who’ll ignore the messy toys and stacks of laundry, a friend who’ll make you tea in your home. And while she’s over, drink that cup full of tea while it is piping hot.
Because you know what they say…
“You simply cannot pour from an empty cup!”
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When Mum Needs a Break 